Here's a confession. I don't draw as much as I should.
That's not really a secret to people who know me. I'm a procrastinator. I'm a daydreamer rather than a doer. I'm determined in my goals, but not in my actions. I'm motivated in ways that do not help me and I lack gumption in ways that could push me forwards.
I find art - the act of making art - hard. Not the technical properties. Not anatomy or painting skills or perspective. I find it hard because I lack the drive. I have friends who wake up with this need to draw. They draw in the coffee shops, in class, in work, in bed. They draw, draw, draw because it's in their blood, it's their soul, it's what they do. They churn out pages and pages of sketches and designs and ideas, silly things like a new Zootopia fursona, or a sketch involving their roleplay character, or a doodle of Pikachu eating a cake, or thumbnail scenes for their latest comic idea, or anything and everything because that's what they do. I have friends who simply radiate creativity.
I absolutely, thoroughly, envy them.
I'm an artist. I know this. I knew it when I spent days drawing at the kitchen table as a child, and I know it now when somebody squeals at a print I'm selling, proclaiming their love for it, buying it to frame and hang on their wall. I know it with the same conviction that I know my name. My gender. My age. I am Selena Thomas. I am an artist.
There are people in the world who consider art a frivolous waste of time, as easy and expendable. They are so hilariously wrong. Art is not easy in the first place, and I find it even harder in my lack of creative spark. The drive to create art does not come easily to me, and for every day I struggle, for every day the work is a chore, for every day my stylus weighs a hundred tons and my brain is fluff and dumb and slow and easily distracted by social media and silly things, I ask myself if this is real. If this is me, being honest with myself. Is this what I'm meant to do?
And yet... I know the answer, because I don't actually think I'm alone. I actually think this is surprisingly common, a behind-the-scenes admission you rarely see in daylight, and that a lot of artists suffer from the same feelings as me. For every artist who emanates creativity, there are hundreds of others who struggle, who are plagued with black days and art blocks and missing muses. From the outside perspective, as the viewer, we don't see that for ourselves. We see the creativity, the results of actually doing. And I suppose to the hundreds of people who come along to my table at conventions, I must come across just as creative and productive as the best of them. I'm sure there are people who look at my table and think 'I wish I drew as much as she does. She must be drawing all the time!', because the results are there, clear as day, and they hide the struggle and self-doubt. But the results are there. Through the struggle comes the sense of purpose, the finished pieces, the progress, the results of actually doing.
So yes, this is what I'm meant to do. Sometimes things don't go according to plan and sometimes it's very easy to be knocked back and find yourself re-evaluating your choices, but honestly it all comes back to the one honest truth in it all. I'm an artist. Sometimes it's hard, but it is always worth it.
I'll close with these very appropriate, and timely, lyrics, from Zootopia!
I messed up tonight, I lost another fight
It's beda time! That is to say, Blog Every Day in April! Every April I use this to kickstart my blog for a few months and this year is no exception.
For the first time I'm ever, I feel as though my blog, as sporadic as its updates are at the moment, has an actual purpose and place in the blogging world. The past year has introduced me to so many vloggers in the nerdy, gaming, geeky world, and everyone is so wonderful and creative and interesting. I discovered the blog culture relatively recently - I had a Livejournal for years, of course, but it's only been the past few years that I've seen a world of blogging beyond diary posts and brain-fart rambles. My first encounter with the blog world was through the many, many lovely lifestyle blogs I found. I thoroughly enjoyed reading them, and found incredible inspiration from them, but they didn't really share a lot in common with me or my blog. They were young women, mostly beautiful and American, who had husbands and children and faith. They shared their journeys and adventures and I loved (still love) reading their blogs, learning about their daily lives, but it wasn't a community I felt I could really take part in. My day to day life involves video games, cosplay, going to conventions and selling art. I still live with my parents, and I'm hardly a young go-getter in the exciting blogging world.
The trouble is, if you try to find gaming blogs, for example, they're few and far between, and the ones that do exist aren't about lifestyle or the daily lives of gamers - they're dedicated game blogs, with reviews and guides, and the geek blogs I found all had very dedicated themes - geek clothing, geek cooking, for example. All fun to read, of course, but few of them felt like places I could reach out to as a blogger myself.
But then I sort of fell into a bunch of communities that bridged the gap. I found whole forums dedicated to geek lifestyle bloggers. They covered a broad spectrum - from gamers, to Disney nerds, to cosplayers and, of course, crafters and artists like myself. It was completely eye opening to me! To be a blogger meant I didn't have to be a mother, or married, or fashionable (though I like to think I look a little bit awesome most of the time!) It meant I had people I could connect with and share content with, and honestly that has been so liberating and fun.
I don't blog or engage in the blogging world as much as I'd like to, and that's something I really want to work on fixing. I think having an actual schedule would go a long way to helping that, which is why I'm hoping BEDA will be a happy kick up the bum for me. Nothing forces you to be imaginative like a tight deadline! I'm really looking forward to trying a whole month of daily blogging with you guys. I hope this blog can join the ranks of those I've fallen in love with over the past year, and I really hope you all enjoy the trip along the way!
That Reaperfox girl...
Hello! I'm Selena, aka Reaperfox, and this is Dream Somehow, my little home on the internet. This blog is dedicated to my adventures and my daily nerdy life!
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